I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.