I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
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JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.