@Eden_Eats: I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car's lights are on.
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@seanoconnz: THIS IS MY LOCKER ROOM TALK GUY: Hey, do you know if they supply towels here? ME: Please don't look at me, my shirt is off.
@Shanehasabeard: Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don't have to do that but I still also do that?
@Canadian_Cutie_: My voicemail greeting: Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don't get a notification.
@rolldiggity: 1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.