@amydillon: I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
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@Aspersioncast: If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys, I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.
@AngelaEhh: When people say 'oh, you're still single?' I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married?' I'm popular.
@rockymomax: [elementary school] BULLY: gimme your lunch money ME: no B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it M: ok but this has to stop I'm your teacher
@Kyle_Lippert: If you look in your bathroom mirror & say "Donald Trump" 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.