@amydillon: I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
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@VerifiedDrunk: Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
@ch000ch: me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i've got a date tonight. siri: "lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha."
@misfarber: [fraud trial] Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake? Defendant: no-- they all actually exist Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
@3sunzzz: Fun Fact: If you answer your phone, "Christ speaking", 70% of the callers will hang up on you. You're welcome.