I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
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Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no