I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Ain’t no way
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
A completely valid reaction tbh
Hamburger Hinderer.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales