I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
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I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”