“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
titanic
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.