Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
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Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Important reminders
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it