waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Oh no