“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
You Might Also Like
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Become ungovernable.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
If a snake ate a cake
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”