@Brianhopecomedy: I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old's burp.
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@internetluke: [first date] Me: don't let her know you're a lizard Her: why did you just say that? Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
@itsa_talia: why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you're a stupid old man