I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
How all things should be taught/explained.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me