I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
You Might Also Like
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Duolingo getting serious.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.