“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
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The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
In banana years, I am bread.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen