@Kyle_Lippert: "I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me" Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel "that would be hella rad"
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@keatingthomas: They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, "Actually, that just went up 500%."
@JakeSocial: Just received an email saying: "Want to see Celine Dion live?" My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
@notfaizzy: ...her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April's fool.