“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
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observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
nature’s most graceful animal
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I’m sorry…what?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
We’re all getting idioter.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.