@librarianfonz: I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they'll open up a small demolition business together.
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@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
@qwertygirl: People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, "Thanks!"--please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
@Elizasoul80: First date Him: What do you do? Me [pulls out a Victoria's Secret catalog that I've clearly glued photos of my face into] "I'm a model."