@librarianfonz: I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they'll open up a small demolition business together.
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@chuuew: The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
@aparnapkin: One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
@noog: Obama: Joe, look. Full moon Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting* Obama: Joe? Biden: AARRGHHH *Gore kicks door down* Gore: MANBEARPIG
@WilliamAder: Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.