I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.