@TheTalkingPipe: I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
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@mattytalks: Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5'9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
@Ivsy01: Him: How was your day? Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
@SlipperySecret: Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex: I think I love you. Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window: Okay....