Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.