Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
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Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.