I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace