@MrScottEddy: I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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@DrCephalopod: "He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats." - first line of Schrödinger's "A Tale of Two Kitties"
@SonOfCha: Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
@JosesLovesYou: For my new tattoo, I'm totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
@dafloydsta: [asking a girl out] ME: So do you have a dog? HER: Yes, I do. She's very playful. ME: *nervously* Do you know if she's busy later?