My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
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My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
They’re not wrong
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.