I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
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Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him