The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Get in loser we’re going crying
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I like long walks away from everyone
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,