I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens