I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
The photographer’s assistant
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.