@Thynebear: I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people's hands you've shook that didn't wash them after they used the bathroom.
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@juneohara65: "The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in." ~my mother after a few drinks
@_RealBlondeGirl: I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission. Who the hell is 'Foreclosure'?
@0point5twins: *knock knock* "Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately" "But I'm having a poo" "We know sir, the phone box has glass sides"
@david8hughes: Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ...