I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.