I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
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Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
dutch so unserious
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
The Struggle
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*