Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
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With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
#SuperBowl
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.