be careful
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CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about