“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*