I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
My dad is at it again
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.