I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
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My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.