i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
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Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Can’t. Being lazy.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
the dark web is just a goth google.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
*bites zombie*
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t