I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now