I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
You Might Also Like
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided