I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
it’s the silliest best thing
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I like long walks away from everyone
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Duolingo getting serious.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
2 years later
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.