I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
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God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!