I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
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I unironically love this joke.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
*launders Kohls cash*
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
You have been warned.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job