I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn鈥檛 be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Everyone has that one friend they鈥檝e known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it鈥檚 too late to ask
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Me: Let鈥檚 invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 馃槇
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 馃槶
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I don鈥檛 understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.