I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
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I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”