I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.