When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married