Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
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I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
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Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.