I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…