I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
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I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so