“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
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My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
accurate
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes