My retirement plan is to become a cat.
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?