@NotJPo: I just ate so much Chinese food that now I'm able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.
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@TheBoydP: Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
@MorganJ7: I don't friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we're dating.
@briancthayer: *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.
@dragonsorbet: [Picking up girls] Me: you like bad boys, huh? Girls: yea Me to my wing man: tell them Wing man: he's just literally the worst