How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
at ease…shoulder.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.