I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
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Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Tell the colonel to bring it
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Accurate
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.