I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
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Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
A double negative is a big no-no.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.