I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
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Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
You don鈥檛 shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone鈥檚 all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Come over for dinner. I鈥檓 making a big deal out of nothing.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 馃槒
Her: oh.. 馃槈 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn鈥檛 any space left for me to sign it
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything鈥檚 packed up and we鈥檒l actually be on time if we leave right this second, let鈥檚 get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
me: I think you’ll find my resum茅 impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth