Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
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[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.